Breathe

I think I thought that once everything was finalized, I wouldn't have panic attacks anymore. I'm not sure why, since some of the panic attacks I've had weren't even brought on by my marriage. I think I was just hoping that without the marriage, I would be less overwhelmed. Boy, was I wrong.

In A Little While

One year ago I was frantically trying to figure out who I was, what I was doing, and if I was with the right person. Nine months ago I finally figured out that I didn't know who I was, nor did I know what I was doing, but I knew that I wasn't who I wanted to be or doing what I wanted to do. Seven months ago I decided to do something about it. And then six months ago, I filed for divorce.

I'm not saying that the problem was him. I wish I knew how to adequately tell him that it was not his fault that I left. I guess once you break someone's heart, they're not too keen on believing anything you say, though, because I did try to tell him. More than once. Many times. I truly hope one day he figures out that it was never him. But I had to leave. I couldn't stay, and I wasn't the person I thought I should be.

Six months ago I was grasping at straws, not knowing how to pick myself up and move on. Sometimes I can't believe that I made it this long. I feel like all I've done the past two days is cry. I'm sad. I walked away from the life I knew for seven years. I can't imagine how people go through divorces when they have been with a person for most of their life, because walking away from something I had only been a part of for a fourth of my life took my entire strength. I'm frustrated. Things were easier when I was married. Okay, maybe not emotionally. Emotionally I was a wreck. Things were secure financially, though. I always had my best friend waiting for me at home, too. I had someone I could rely on. If my car broke down, he would be there in an instant. If I were sick, he would drive me to the hospital. I miss that.

Mostly, though, I'm relieved. I am literally 1.5 hours away from my divorce being finalized. This is almost over. It's not like it's been that hard. He didn't fight me on anything, and really he made the whole experience as pleasant as possible. But I'm starting to feel a weight being lifted from my shoulders, a weight I didn't even know was there. And I'm proud of myself. I can honeslty, with 100% certainty, say that I am happier now than I have been in years. It took strength to walk away. It took courage to be by myself. I'm doing it, though, and it feels good. It feels really good.

Keep Myself Awake

Sometimes I wonder why I fight so hard to stay awake. I know that I can fall asleep and wake up the next day and pretty much everything will be the same, except instead of the moon I’ll see the sun. I would probably feel better if I slept more, too. Not that I’m really feeling bad now, but I’m only averaging about 6 hours a night this week and my body is protesting. It wants more rest. My head does not. My brain wants me to stay awake as long as possible, while my body wants to pass out as soon as I get home. It’s a civil war going on in me. Really, I should just listen to my body (sorry brain). So why don’t I?

Well for a while I was having bad dreams. Not monster-infested nightmares. No, just bad dreams. Sometimes I would basically relive my divorce, down to every last emotion I had. Sometimes I would just be having a bad day and I wouldn’t be able to get a hold of anyone who would listen. Or everyone I love was leaving me. Stuff like that. When I would wake up, I would feel like it was all real. In fact, on more than one occasion I have been royally pissed or upset at someone in real life because they did something shifty in my dream. This anger or sadness would radiate for hours, making it near impossible for me to function at a reasonable level. But, that was a few weeks ago. It’s like my brain was trying to process something. And process it did, for six horrible nights. I can honestly say during those few days, I was much happier shoving caffeine in my body than I was sleeping. Now I’m fine again.

Sometimes I’ll be in the middle of a perfect conversation with someone. This happens frequently with one person in particular. We’ll be texting back and forth, and you can tell when we’re starting to fall asleep. Our texts become funnier and more open, and more spaced out (because, if he’s like me, he’s falling asleep between texts). I love these moments. It’s like I can say whatever I want and if it’s embarrassingly cheesy or it doesn’t make much sense, it’s okay because I’m half asleep and I probably have little to no clue of what’s going on. But this goes on for so long, and all of a sudden it’s two in the morning and I have to be up at seven for work.

Every now and then I’ll lie awake, just thinking about my day. Then the more I think, the more I can’t sleep. My brain starts whirring like crazy and wants to figure out puzzles.

I really need to find a better balance.

Who Says You Can't Go Home

I feel homesick. This is a strange feeling for me, because when I feel it I need to stop and figure out where home is, and why I miss it so much.

Obviously I'm not homesick for my apartment. I'm sitting in it right now. I rarely miss it when I'm gone. When I do miss it, I am usually only missing my bed. I'm not homesick for my childhood home. I used to miss that place so much, but not so much anymore.

I kind of miss Oregon, which is odd because it was never really my home. My parents and siblings live there, but save for the month I spent up there, I couldn't really technically call it a home. If I had to choose a city to call "home" I suppose that would be San Diego.

So I guess it just comes down to what it usually comes down to - my family. I'm not sure I have ever felt more safe and secure than the month I spent in my parents' home, surrounded by them, my siblings, and a bunch of animals. And isn't that what home is? Some place you can go where you are safe, where nothing can touch you? I can close my eyes and smell my mother's kitchen, hear my father talking on the phone to one of his employees, feel the beagle cuddling with me under a blanket, and I feel complete again.

Then I open my eyes, and I'm in San Diego, alone.

Don't get me wrong. I love San Diego. My friends are here, I have family here, and the sun shines on me most days. I have a job, my very own apartment, and a boyfriend that I've almost started to let into my life.

But the same question has been invading my brain for months now - could I trade everything I have here for my family and still be happy? Can I pick up and move 1000 miles north, and be okay? I think I could. I would miss everything and everyone down here, but I would have my family again. I would miss my friends, but I figure we've stuck with each other this long, we may as well just be friends forever at this point. I would miss my job, but I could get a different job. My apartment? Definitely not attached to that.

So, I guess the search for the answer to the "should I stay or should I go" question will continue. I'll find the answer, though. Truffle pig, remember?

Have a Nice Day

Thank you to the tradition of celebrating St. Patrick's Day with a bunch of alcohol.

Thank you to my wonderful friends who I went out with last night. I wasn't feeling great yesterday, but laughing with you made me feel carefree and happy. I will hold onto the memories from last night (those I can remember). However, next time we're taking away Claire's phone so she doesn't send crazy texts, and we're not giving Kalie my phone because she'll accidentally throw it. And yes, it was a complete accident - one that I believe could have happened even if she was sober.

Thank you to the random strangers who accepted my high fives. I love high-fiving people. It's like you all knew that by accepting my high-five, you were making me happy. Also thank you to the servers who acted like a bunch of screaming girls was completely normal. Thank you to the Bon Jovi tribute band. And thank you to the guy who handed us the tacos because those tacos were awesome.

Thank you to my sober boyfriend, who very graciously listened to me screaming with laughter in the car as he drove me home. He didn't even tell me to be quiet. He also didn't stay over, which was great because I could sprawl out across the bed. Oh and then he stopped by this morning, I think to make sure I was alive. Very nice of him.

And thank you to my grandmother. She fed me and did all my laundry today. Pretty awesome.

Let it Be

I look at my past with fondness, and I look toward my future with hope. I won't stop smiling just because other people can't. I'm happy.

Of course, there are still moments that come at me like a bull on steroids. The moment were your ex sister-in-law unfriends you on a social network? First I get mad because all I ever wanted for her was happiness and she went down a similar path I did. But when it comes to my happiness she appears to not give two shits. Then I get sad because she was at one point one of my greatest friends. But, like so many things in the past few months, I eventually become okay again.

Sometimes I wish I weren't so strong because sometimes I do just want to fall to pieces. But I am living the way I think I should be, and I know that there is nothing wrong with what I'm doing. People get hurt, but they will be okay.

Feelin' This

The human body fascinates me in the way it responds to certain things.

There's the bad things that make your body respond. Every time I see a cop in my rear view mirror, I swear I stop breathing. When I hear the word "Shackleton" my face automatically gets a disgusted look. Hearing the sound of thunder gives me goosebumps.

And then there's the good stuff. A single glance from someone, and all of a sudden your heart is beating like the wings of a hummingbird. A simple touch on your forearm and you can practically hear blood pulsing through your veins. Or the feel of someones lips on yours raises your temperature about ten degrees.

But the thing I like the most is when that person looks me in the eyes before softly kissing me. The entire world pauses, almost like everyone in the universe is holding their breath so the moment isn't ruined.

I find myself smiling more and more lately.

This is good.

Brighter Days

This past week has been a little hectic, to say the least. I got home from Oregon, moved into my apartment, went to a couple of events hosted by my friends, and went back to work. Oh, I also met up with my ex-husband to do taxes, and I had my first therapy session since before my trip. So how do I feel now that a week has passed?

I feel great.

It's weird looking back to November and December. There were days I thought I would never get through. Don't get me wrong, my hope never faltered - I always hoped that I would get through each day and that the next day would be better. But honestly, I'm still not sure how I kept going sometimes. My therapist says I'm making progress, and she even told me that she does not feel it is necessary for me to go to her every week anymore. That was an exciting day. I went back to work after that session and I was smiling so much it made everyone else smile. That's a good feeling.

Of course, now that I'm adequately moving on in various aspects of my life, a certain someone is making my head spin in circles. Pretty much all I can do is think about this person, think about everything I've said to him that I wish I didn't, and fret about what I'll say to him next time I see him. He has completely infiltrated my head and I do not appreciate it. I was on the phone for two hours tonight with one of my friends, rambling off all my theories over what anything he said might mean. I should just take multiple people's advice and not read too much into anything, but hey. I'm a girl. It's kind of what I do.

I'm sure I'll eventually grow some courage and tell him what I'm thinking. Or not.

Walk On

I knew that coming to Oregon for a month would be easy. That I could leave my job, my friends, my family, my car, and just come up and be okay. I also knew that leaving and going back to San Diego would be really difficult. I'm trying to convince myself that I don't have to think about the future right now, but if I don't think about it now, when will I think about it? I can't put it off forever.

So, should I move up here? Well, if I get into a school up here the choice will be easy. My education is very important to me. I need to go where I can so I can start my career. But then I start thinking about if I even want to apply to schools up here. Or do I even need to? Why not just come up here for a few months and then start applying to schools?

Sometimes I try to figure out what's holding me back from just going to San Diego, packing up my stuff, and coming back to Oregon. Right now, I think it is a few things. I'm not ready to say goodbye to the beautiful location, that's for sure. I'll miss my family and friends terribly. I hate moving. I love my job. I'm in school down there. Oh, and then there was someone who came into my life so suddenly and so forcefully that I'm still surprised at the impact this person has had on my decision.

I guess sometimes all you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other.

You've Got So Far To Go

In about 10 days, I'll be going up to Oregon for about a month. Initially, I was just going to take a small 2 week vacation, but then last Tuesday happened and now here I am.

Last Tuesday, I had to go grab something from the old apartment. I meant to just stop in. pick up my registration, and be on my merry way. Instead, I started crying as soon as I parked my car. Then when I went into the apartment, I started crying more. I got myself under control enough to drive, but once I arrived at work, I was clutching my steering wheel, trying to contain the tears running down my face at a rapid pace. What happened? Why did all the happiness suddenly get sucked out of my body like there was some sort of dementor around?

It took awhile, but I think I figured it out. I know, in my head, what I am walking away from. My best friend of 7 years, a safe apartment, a comfortable life, my cat. But seeing it, actually seeing all the physical reminders of what it is that I had that I can no longer claim as my own, was jarring. Then, all at once, everything started reminding me of what I was leaving behind. I couldn't listen to music, watch TV, or even pass by certain buildings without feeling like I was suffocating in memories.

So I decided I needed to get away.

I will deny that I am running away from my problems, because I do fully intend on coming back to San Diego. Instead, I think of it as giving my mind time to heal so I can face this city without feeling pain every time I turn my head. Who knows? My plan could backfire and I could come back and be worse. If that's the case, then I'll deal with it then. But I think one of my problems is that I never gave my mind time to heal. I just started trying to move on. Maybe I just need to rest a little before I can keep going.