Keep Myself Awake

Sometimes I wonder why I fight so hard to stay awake. I know that I can fall asleep and wake up the next day and pretty much everything will be the same, except instead of the moon I’ll see the sun. I would probably feel better if I slept more, too. Not that I’m really feeling bad now, but I’m only averaging about 6 hours a night this week and my body is protesting. It wants more rest. My head does not. My brain wants me to stay awake as long as possible, while my body wants to pass out as soon as I get home. It’s a civil war going on in me. Really, I should just listen to my body (sorry brain). So why don’t I?

Well for a while I was having bad dreams. Not monster-infested nightmares. No, just bad dreams. Sometimes I would basically relive my divorce, down to every last emotion I had. Sometimes I would just be having a bad day and I wouldn’t be able to get a hold of anyone who would listen. Or everyone I love was leaving me. Stuff like that. When I would wake up, I would feel like it was all real. In fact, on more than one occasion I have been royally pissed or upset at someone in real life because they did something shifty in my dream. This anger or sadness would radiate for hours, making it near impossible for me to function at a reasonable level. But, that was a few weeks ago. It’s like my brain was trying to process something. And process it did, for six horrible nights. I can honestly say during those few days, I was much happier shoving caffeine in my body than I was sleeping. Now I’m fine again.

Sometimes I’ll be in the middle of a perfect conversation with someone. This happens frequently with one person in particular. We’ll be texting back and forth, and you can tell when we’re starting to fall asleep. Our texts become funnier and more open, and more spaced out (because, if he’s like me, he’s falling asleep between texts). I love these moments. It’s like I can say whatever I want and if it’s embarrassingly cheesy or it doesn’t make much sense, it’s okay because I’m half asleep and I probably have little to no clue of what’s going on. But this goes on for so long, and all of a sudden it’s two in the morning and I have to be up at seven for work.

Every now and then I’ll lie awake, just thinking about my day. Then the more I think, the more I can’t sleep. My brain starts whirring like crazy and wants to figure out puzzles.

I really need to find a better balance.

Who Says You Can't Go Home

I feel homesick. This is a strange feeling for me, because when I feel it I need to stop and figure out where home is, and why I miss it so much.

Obviously I'm not homesick for my apartment. I'm sitting in it right now. I rarely miss it when I'm gone. When I do miss it, I am usually only missing my bed. I'm not homesick for my childhood home. I used to miss that place so much, but not so much anymore.

I kind of miss Oregon, which is odd because it was never really my home. My parents and siblings live there, but save for the month I spent up there, I couldn't really technically call it a home. If I had to choose a city to call "home" I suppose that would be San Diego.

So I guess it just comes down to what it usually comes down to - my family. I'm not sure I have ever felt more safe and secure than the month I spent in my parents' home, surrounded by them, my siblings, and a bunch of animals. And isn't that what home is? Some place you can go where you are safe, where nothing can touch you? I can close my eyes and smell my mother's kitchen, hear my father talking on the phone to one of his employees, feel the beagle cuddling with me under a blanket, and I feel complete again.

Then I open my eyes, and I'm in San Diego, alone.

Don't get me wrong. I love San Diego. My friends are here, I have family here, and the sun shines on me most days. I have a job, my very own apartment, and a boyfriend that I've almost started to let into my life.

But the same question has been invading my brain for months now - could I trade everything I have here for my family and still be happy? Can I pick up and move 1000 miles north, and be okay? I think I could. I would miss everything and everyone down here, but I would have my family again. I would miss my friends, but I figure we've stuck with each other this long, we may as well just be friends forever at this point. I would miss my job, but I could get a different job. My apartment? Definitely not attached to that.

So, I guess the search for the answer to the "should I stay or should I go" question will continue. I'll find the answer, though. Truffle pig, remember?