In A Little While

One year ago I was frantically trying to figure out who I was, what I was doing, and if I was with the right person. Nine months ago I finally figured out that I didn't know who I was, nor did I know what I was doing, but I knew that I wasn't who I wanted to be or doing what I wanted to do. Seven months ago I decided to do something about it. And then six months ago, I filed for divorce.

I'm not saying that the problem was him. I wish I knew how to adequately tell him that it was not his fault that I left. I guess once you break someone's heart, they're not too keen on believing anything you say, though, because I did try to tell him. More than once. Many times. I truly hope one day he figures out that it was never him. But I had to leave. I couldn't stay, and I wasn't the person I thought I should be.

Six months ago I was grasping at straws, not knowing how to pick myself up and move on. Sometimes I can't believe that I made it this long. I feel like all I've done the past two days is cry. I'm sad. I walked away from the life I knew for seven years. I can't imagine how people go through divorces when they have been with a person for most of their life, because walking away from something I had only been a part of for a fourth of my life took my entire strength. I'm frustrated. Things were easier when I was married. Okay, maybe not emotionally. Emotionally I was a wreck. Things were secure financially, though. I always had my best friend waiting for me at home, too. I had someone I could rely on. If my car broke down, he would be there in an instant. If I were sick, he would drive me to the hospital. I miss that.

Mostly, though, I'm relieved. I am literally 1.5 hours away from my divorce being finalized. This is almost over. It's not like it's been that hard. He didn't fight me on anything, and really he made the whole experience as pleasant as possible. But I'm starting to feel a weight being lifted from my shoulders, a weight I didn't even know was there. And I'm proud of myself. I can honeslty, with 100% certainty, say that I am happier now than I have been in years. It took strength to walk away. It took courage to be by myself. I'm doing it, though, and it feels good. It feels really good.