Who Says You Can't Go Home

I feel homesick. This is a strange feeling for me, because when I feel it I need to stop and figure out where home is, and why I miss it so much.

Obviously I'm not homesick for my apartment. I'm sitting in it right now. I rarely miss it when I'm gone. When I do miss it, I am usually only missing my bed. I'm not homesick for my childhood home. I used to miss that place so much, but not so much anymore.

I kind of miss Oregon, which is odd because it was never really my home. My parents and siblings live there, but save for the month I spent up there, I couldn't really technically call it a home. If I had to choose a city to call "home" I suppose that would be San Diego.

So I guess it just comes down to what it usually comes down to - my family. I'm not sure I have ever felt more safe and secure than the month I spent in my parents' home, surrounded by them, my siblings, and a bunch of animals. And isn't that what home is? Some place you can go where you are safe, where nothing can touch you? I can close my eyes and smell my mother's kitchen, hear my father talking on the phone to one of his employees, feel the beagle cuddling with me under a blanket, and I feel complete again.

Then I open my eyes, and I'm in San Diego, alone.

Don't get me wrong. I love San Diego. My friends are here, I have family here, and the sun shines on me most days. I have a job, my very own apartment, and a boyfriend that I've almost started to let into my life.

But the same question has been invading my brain for months now - could I trade everything I have here for my family and still be happy? Can I pick up and move 1000 miles north, and be okay? I think I could. I would miss everything and everyone down here, but I would have my family again. I would miss my friends, but I figure we've stuck with each other this long, we may as well just be friends forever at this point. I would miss my job, but I could get a different job. My apartment? Definitely not attached to that.

So, I guess the search for the answer to the "should I stay or should I go" question will continue. I'll find the answer, though. Truffle pig, remember?