In about 10 days, I'll be going up to Oregon for about a month. Initially, I was just going to take a small 2 week vacation, but then last Tuesday happened and now here I am.
Last Tuesday, I had to go grab something from the old apartment. I meant to just stop in. pick up my registration, and be on my merry way. Instead, I started crying as soon as I parked my car. Then when I went into the apartment, I started crying more. I got myself under control enough to drive, but once I arrived at work, I was clutching my steering wheel, trying to contain the tears running down my face at a rapid pace. What happened? Why did all the happiness suddenly get sucked out of my body like there was some sort of dementor around?
It took awhile, but I think I figured it out. I know, in my head, what I am walking away from. My best friend of 7 years, a safe apartment, a comfortable life, my cat. But seeing it, actually seeing all the physical reminders of what it is that I had that I can no longer claim as my own, was jarring. Then, all at once, everything started reminding me of what I was leaving behind. I couldn't listen to music, watch TV, or even pass by certain buildings without feeling like I was suffocating in memories.
So I decided I needed to get away.
I will deny that I am running away from my problems, because I do fully intend on coming back to San Diego. Instead, I think of it as giving my mind time to heal so I can face this city without feeling pain every time I turn my head. Who knows? My plan could backfire and I could come back and be worse. If that's the case, then I'll deal with it then. But I think one of my problems is that I never gave my mind time to heal. I just started trying to move on. Maybe I just need to rest a little before I can keep going.