The title of this post says it all: I can avoid. I can avoid homework, regular work, chores, anyone in my life, and the realization that the Chargers will probably lose the game I am watching. Sure, my therapist says I shouldn't avoid things, but when you're this good at something, how can you not avoid things? If I stopped avoiding things then what would I be good at?
So this is where the story begins. I'm a full-time student, a full-time movie theater manager, and a full-time over-analyzer. Is that a thing? If it is, I am it. I'm currently working my way through mayber divorcing my husband of three years, trying to get into nursing school, and not falling apart every other minute. I have an astounding support group of friends (you know who you are - and if you're not sure...here's a list: Claire, Kalie, Mel, Brit, Rachel) that has thus far managed to make the most overwhelming moments not so horrible. I also have a wonderful family, an awesome therapist, a great crew at my work (yes, you can love the people you work with), and numerous people in my classes that will listen to me go on and on about my issues. They may not be listening. That's okay since I don't really listen to myself. Seriously. Sometimes whoever I am talking to asks what I just said and I can't remember because I wasn't listening to what I was saying.
What's so bad about my life? Well, I recently learned that my life is actually pretty awesome, as can be seen in the above paragraph. Awesome friends? Check. Tolerable work? Check. Family? Check. An odd love for school? Check. It's really just the one aspect of my life (my relationship) that sometimes gets me down. And I can solve that issue. The problem is my over-analyzing and projecting my emotions onto other people. I constantly think everyone is going to hate me because I decided to divorce my husband. Chances are no one will hate me. I think people are going to be sad, disappointed, perhaps angry...but I might be happy, so what of it? Wow that sounds selfish. I really do care about other people, which is the main reason why I held my emotions in for so long. If I were to actually say what I'm feeling, people might get hurt. So instead of many people getting hurt, the only person getting hurt was me. Healthy, right? Let me just say right now that going into therapy was probably the best decision I have made in the past six years. Three sessions in, and already this is the best I have felt in years. Then I start thinking, if this is the best I have felt in years...how bad was I feeling? Anyway, back to me avoiding things.
I am currently avoiding two things: my parents and the decision about my marriage. I am completely terrified to tell my parents that their little girl is having issues. I know, you're probably thinking that my childhood was fraught with my parents being angry every time one of us kids did something wrong. My parents probably are also very unsupportive and generally distant people. Ha. Joke's on you! My childhood was AMAZING. Sometimes when I do things that remind me of my childhood - like go to the zoo, watch Congo, or listen to The Eagles - I'll cry because I miss my childhood so much. That's how great it was! I would gladly live ages 3-18 over again (I don't remember anything before 3, so I'm willing to skip those years). My parents are two of the most supportive people I have ever met. They have five kids and never once have they turned their backs on us. And trust me, with five kids, something disappointing is bound to happen. But I truly believe in my heart that my parents love me and will always love me. I just need to get past my head telling me differently.
The second thing I am avoiding is the decision of my marriage. We'll see how long I can continue to avoid this one (spoiler alert: probably not very long).