Keep Myself Awake

Sometimes I wonder why I fight so hard to stay awake. I know that I can fall asleep and wake up the next day and pretty much everything will be the same, except instead of the moon I’ll see the sun. I would probably feel better if I slept more, too. Not that I’m really feeling bad now, but I’m only averaging about 6 hours a night this week and my body is protesting. It wants more rest. My head does not. My brain wants me to stay awake as long as possible, while my body wants to pass out as soon as I get home. It’s a civil war going on in me. Really, I should just listen to my body (sorry brain). So why don’t I?

Well for a while I was having bad dreams. Not monster-infested nightmares. No, just bad dreams. Sometimes I would basically relive my divorce, down to every last emotion I had. Sometimes I would just be having a bad day and I wouldn’t be able to get a hold of anyone who would listen. Or everyone I love was leaving me. Stuff like that. When I would wake up, I would feel like it was all real. In fact, on more than one occasion I have been royally pissed or upset at someone in real life because they did something shifty in my dream. This anger or sadness would radiate for hours, making it near impossible for me to function at a reasonable level. But, that was a few weeks ago. It’s like my brain was trying to process something. And process it did, for six horrible nights. I can honestly say during those few days, I was much happier shoving caffeine in my body than I was sleeping. Now I’m fine again.

Sometimes I’ll be in the middle of a perfect conversation with someone. This happens frequently with one person in particular. We’ll be texting back and forth, and you can tell when we’re starting to fall asleep. Our texts become funnier and more open, and more spaced out (because, if he’s like me, he’s falling asleep between texts). I love these moments. It’s like I can say whatever I want and if it’s embarrassingly cheesy or it doesn’t make much sense, it’s okay because I’m half asleep and I probably have little to no clue of what’s going on. But this goes on for so long, and all of a sudden it’s two in the morning and I have to be up at seven for work.

Every now and then I’ll lie awake, just thinking about my day. Then the more I think, the more I can’t sleep. My brain starts whirring like crazy and wants to figure out puzzles.

I really need to find a better balance.