Breathe

I think I thought that once everything was finalized, I wouldn't have panic attacks anymore. I'm not sure why, since some of the panic attacks I've had weren't even brought on by my marriage. I think I was just hoping that without the marriage, I would be less overwhelmed. Boy, was I wrong.

In A Little While

One year ago I was frantically trying to figure out who I was, what I was doing, and if I was with the right person. Nine months ago I finally figured out that I didn't know who I was, nor did I know what I was doing, but I knew that I wasn't who I wanted to be or doing what I wanted to do. Seven months ago I decided to do something about it. And then six months ago, I filed for divorce.

I'm not saying that the problem was him. I wish I knew how to adequately tell him that it was not his fault that I left. I guess once you break someone's heart, they're not too keen on believing anything you say, though, because I did try to tell him. More than once. Many times. I truly hope one day he figures out that it was never him. But I had to leave. I couldn't stay, and I wasn't the person I thought I should be.

Six months ago I was grasping at straws, not knowing how to pick myself up and move on. Sometimes I can't believe that I made it this long. I feel like all I've done the past two days is cry. I'm sad. I walked away from the life I knew for seven years. I can't imagine how people go through divorces when they have been with a person for most of their life, because walking away from something I had only been a part of for a fourth of my life took my entire strength. I'm frustrated. Things were easier when I was married. Okay, maybe not emotionally. Emotionally I was a wreck. Things were secure financially, though. I always had my best friend waiting for me at home, too. I had someone I could rely on. If my car broke down, he would be there in an instant. If I were sick, he would drive me to the hospital. I miss that.

Mostly, though, I'm relieved. I am literally 1.5 hours away from my divorce being finalized. This is almost over. It's not like it's been that hard. He didn't fight me on anything, and really he made the whole experience as pleasant as possible. But I'm starting to feel a weight being lifted from my shoulders, a weight I didn't even know was there. And I'm proud of myself. I can honeslty, with 100% certainty, say that I am happier now than I have been in years. It took strength to walk away. It took courage to be by myself. I'm doing it, though, and it feels good. It feels really good.

Keep Myself Awake

Sometimes I wonder why I fight so hard to stay awake. I know that I can fall asleep and wake up the next day and pretty much everything will be the same, except instead of the moon I’ll see the sun. I would probably feel better if I slept more, too. Not that I’m really feeling bad now, but I’m only averaging about 6 hours a night this week and my body is protesting. It wants more rest. My head does not. My brain wants me to stay awake as long as possible, while my body wants to pass out as soon as I get home. It’s a civil war going on in me. Really, I should just listen to my body (sorry brain). So why don’t I?

Well for a while I was having bad dreams. Not monster-infested nightmares. No, just bad dreams. Sometimes I would basically relive my divorce, down to every last emotion I had. Sometimes I would just be having a bad day and I wouldn’t be able to get a hold of anyone who would listen. Or everyone I love was leaving me. Stuff like that. When I would wake up, I would feel like it was all real. In fact, on more than one occasion I have been royally pissed or upset at someone in real life because they did something shifty in my dream. This anger or sadness would radiate for hours, making it near impossible for me to function at a reasonable level. But, that was a few weeks ago. It’s like my brain was trying to process something. And process it did, for six horrible nights. I can honestly say during those few days, I was much happier shoving caffeine in my body than I was sleeping. Now I’m fine again.

Sometimes I’ll be in the middle of a perfect conversation with someone. This happens frequently with one person in particular. We’ll be texting back and forth, and you can tell when we’re starting to fall asleep. Our texts become funnier and more open, and more spaced out (because, if he’s like me, he’s falling asleep between texts). I love these moments. It’s like I can say whatever I want and if it’s embarrassingly cheesy or it doesn’t make much sense, it’s okay because I’m half asleep and I probably have little to no clue of what’s going on. But this goes on for so long, and all of a sudden it’s two in the morning and I have to be up at seven for work.

Every now and then I’ll lie awake, just thinking about my day. Then the more I think, the more I can’t sleep. My brain starts whirring like crazy and wants to figure out puzzles.

I really need to find a better balance.

Who Says You Can't Go Home

I feel homesick. This is a strange feeling for me, because when I feel it I need to stop and figure out where home is, and why I miss it so much.

Obviously I'm not homesick for my apartment. I'm sitting in it right now. I rarely miss it when I'm gone. When I do miss it, I am usually only missing my bed. I'm not homesick for my childhood home. I used to miss that place so much, but not so much anymore.

I kind of miss Oregon, which is odd because it was never really my home. My parents and siblings live there, but save for the month I spent up there, I couldn't really technically call it a home. If I had to choose a city to call "home" I suppose that would be San Diego.

So I guess it just comes down to what it usually comes down to - my family. I'm not sure I have ever felt more safe and secure than the month I spent in my parents' home, surrounded by them, my siblings, and a bunch of animals. And isn't that what home is? Some place you can go where you are safe, where nothing can touch you? I can close my eyes and smell my mother's kitchen, hear my father talking on the phone to one of his employees, feel the beagle cuddling with me under a blanket, and I feel complete again.

Then I open my eyes, and I'm in San Diego, alone.

Don't get me wrong. I love San Diego. My friends are here, I have family here, and the sun shines on me most days. I have a job, my very own apartment, and a boyfriend that I've almost started to let into my life.

But the same question has been invading my brain for months now - could I trade everything I have here for my family and still be happy? Can I pick up and move 1000 miles north, and be okay? I think I could. I would miss everything and everyone down here, but I would have my family again. I would miss my friends, but I figure we've stuck with each other this long, we may as well just be friends forever at this point. I would miss my job, but I could get a different job. My apartment? Definitely not attached to that.

So, I guess the search for the answer to the "should I stay or should I go" question will continue. I'll find the answer, though. Truffle pig, remember?

Have a Nice Day

Thank you to the tradition of celebrating St. Patrick's Day with a bunch of alcohol.

Thank you to my wonderful friends who I went out with last night. I wasn't feeling great yesterday, but laughing with you made me feel carefree and happy. I will hold onto the memories from last night (those I can remember). However, next time we're taking away Claire's phone so she doesn't send crazy texts, and we're not giving Kalie my phone because she'll accidentally throw it. And yes, it was a complete accident - one that I believe could have happened even if she was sober.

Thank you to the random strangers who accepted my high fives. I love high-fiving people. It's like you all knew that by accepting my high-five, you were making me happy. Also thank you to the servers who acted like a bunch of screaming girls was completely normal. Thank you to the Bon Jovi tribute band. And thank you to the guy who handed us the tacos because those tacos were awesome.

Thank you to my sober boyfriend, who very graciously listened to me screaming with laughter in the car as he drove me home. He didn't even tell me to be quiet. He also didn't stay over, which was great because I could sprawl out across the bed. Oh and then he stopped by this morning, I think to make sure I was alive. Very nice of him.

And thank you to my grandmother. She fed me and did all my laundry today. Pretty awesome.

Let it Be

I look at my past with fondness, and I look toward my future with hope. I won't stop smiling just because other people can't. I'm happy.

Of course, there are still moments that come at me like a bull on steroids. The moment were your ex sister-in-law unfriends you on a social network? First I get mad because all I ever wanted for her was happiness and she went down a similar path I did. But when it comes to my happiness she appears to not give two shits. Then I get sad because she was at one point one of my greatest friends. But, like so many things in the past few months, I eventually become okay again.

Sometimes I wish I weren't so strong because sometimes I do just want to fall to pieces. But I am living the way I think I should be, and I know that there is nothing wrong with what I'm doing. People get hurt, but they will be okay.

Feelin' This

The human body fascinates me in the way it responds to certain things.

There's the bad things that make your body respond. Every time I see a cop in my rear view mirror, I swear I stop breathing. When I hear the word "Shackleton" my face automatically gets a disgusted look. Hearing the sound of thunder gives me goosebumps.

And then there's the good stuff. A single glance from someone, and all of a sudden your heart is beating like the wings of a hummingbird. A simple touch on your forearm and you can practically hear blood pulsing through your veins. Or the feel of someones lips on yours raises your temperature about ten degrees.

But the thing I like the most is when that person looks me in the eyes before softly kissing me. The entire world pauses, almost like everyone in the universe is holding their breath so the moment isn't ruined.

I find myself smiling more and more lately.

This is good.

Brighter Days

This past week has been a little hectic, to say the least. I got home from Oregon, moved into my apartment, went to a couple of events hosted by my friends, and went back to work. Oh, I also met up with my ex-husband to do taxes, and I had my first therapy session since before my trip. So how do I feel now that a week has passed?

I feel great.

It's weird looking back to November and December. There were days I thought I would never get through. Don't get me wrong, my hope never faltered - I always hoped that I would get through each day and that the next day would be better. But honestly, I'm still not sure how I kept going sometimes. My therapist says I'm making progress, and she even told me that she does not feel it is necessary for me to go to her every week anymore. That was an exciting day. I went back to work after that session and I was smiling so much it made everyone else smile. That's a good feeling.

Of course, now that I'm adequately moving on in various aspects of my life, a certain someone is making my head spin in circles. Pretty much all I can do is think about this person, think about everything I've said to him that I wish I didn't, and fret about what I'll say to him next time I see him. He has completely infiltrated my head and I do not appreciate it. I was on the phone for two hours tonight with one of my friends, rambling off all my theories over what anything he said might mean. I should just take multiple people's advice and not read too much into anything, but hey. I'm a girl. It's kind of what I do.

I'm sure I'll eventually grow some courage and tell him what I'm thinking. Or not.

Walk On

I knew that coming to Oregon for a month would be easy. That I could leave my job, my friends, my family, my car, and just come up and be okay. I also knew that leaving and going back to San Diego would be really difficult. I'm trying to convince myself that I don't have to think about the future right now, but if I don't think about it now, when will I think about it? I can't put it off forever.

So, should I move up here? Well, if I get into a school up here the choice will be easy. My education is very important to me. I need to go where I can so I can start my career. But then I start thinking about if I even want to apply to schools up here. Or do I even need to? Why not just come up here for a few months and then start applying to schools?

Sometimes I try to figure out what's holding me back from just going to San Diego, packing up my stuff, and coming back to Oregon. Right now, I think it is a few things. I'm not ready to say goodbye to the beautiful location, that's for sure. I'll miss my family and friends terribly. I hate moving. I love my job. I'm in school down there. Oh, and then there was someone who came into my life so suddenly and so forcefully that I'm still surprised at the impact this person has had on my decision.

I guess sometimes all you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other.

You've Got So Far To Go

In about 10 days, I'll be going up to Oregon for about a month. Initially, I was just going to take a small 2 week vacation, but then last Tuesday happened and now here I am.

Last Tuesday, I had to go grab something from the old apartment. I meant to just stop in. pick up my registration, and be on my merry way. Instead, I started crying as soon as I parked my car. Then when I went into the apartment, I started crying more. I got myself under control enough to drive, but once I arrived at work, I was clutching my steering wheel, trying to contain the tears running down my face at a rapid pace. What happened? Why did all the happiness suddenly get sucked out of my body like there was some sort of dementor around?

It took awhile, but I think I figured it out. I know, in my head, what I am walking away from. My best friend of 7 years, a safe apartment, a comfortable life, my cat. But seeing it, actually seeing all the physical reminders of what it is that I had that I can no longer claim as my own, was jarring. Then, all at once, everything started reminding me of what I was leaving behind. I couldn't listen to music, watch TV, or even pass by certain buildings without feeling like I was suffocating in memories.

So I decided I needed to get away.

I will deny that I am running away from my problems, because I do fully intend on coming back to San Diego. Instead, I think of it as giving my mind time to heal so I can face this city without feeling pain every time I turn my head. Who knows? My plan could backfire and I could come back and be worse. If that's the case, then I'll deal with it then. But I think one of my problems is that I never gave my mind time to heal. I just started trying to move on. Maybe I just need to rest a little before I can keep going.

Roll With the Changes

It's my birthday! Yay for being 25 years old and able to rent a car in California (not that I need it, since I got my car back today - yay again!).

While many people will be celebrating the new year in a few days, I am celebrating my new year today. I had some time of quiet reflection this morning (my phone died, which obviously means I can't do anything but reflect) and I suppose I have gone through a lot. Between my last birthday and today, I mourned the loss of my car, studied so hard my brain turned to mush, accidentally almost went into anaphylactic shock, and of course, divorced my husband. Inbetween all those fun things, I endured countless hours of stress at work, lost some of my best friends in the divorce, and got through all of it. I'm still not 100%. Sometimes I forget that I can't just call certain people anymore, and it makes me sad. Sometimes I really want to eat a banana before I realize that it's evil and I'm allergic to it.

But this is my new year. I don't have my parents in town, so I went to my grandma's last night. That way, I could wake up and have someone with me. I hung out with her, talked to my mom and sister for hours on the phone, and got my car back. Tonight I'm going to dinner with one of my dearest friends, and then going out and having fun with a big group of people.

This is my new year. I know I can get through whatever comes my way. I know that I can make decisions, and that when I make a decision, I can trust myself to get me through whatever it brings along. I know I will cry, but I also know I will laugh so much. I will smile until my cheeks hurt.

This is my new year. I'm going to find a place to live, I'm going to eat like an ordinary person again, and I'm going to figure out a way to sleep. I'll continue working at my job or I'll find a new one. I'll figure out what to do about school. I'll stay in San Diego, or I'll go to Oregon.

This is my new year, and it will be a good year.

Red Barchetta

I have been without my car since Saturday. Some ass face felt it necessary to come into the lane that I was currently occupying, which resulted in one of my wheels being bent. Thanks, ass face. You're a winner. Oh, did I mention that ass face then drove away? And that I had just switched insurance companies so it is taking a really long time for anything to get done? I understand it looks fishy that I was in an accident that no one saw, just days after I switched insurance. But seriously right now?

So, anyway. I have been without my car since Saturday. It is now Tuesday. Wow, it's only Tuesday. I could have sworn it was at least Thursday. Regardless, I have been kind of upset this entire time. Driving in my car was like my moment where I got to be alone. I could scream or sing at the top of my lungs. I could speed. I could go for a drive just for the hell of it. Obviously my car will be all better soon (taking her to the car hospital tomorrow), but just knowing that she's out there and in pain makes me sad.

Yes, I know she doesn't have feelings (and that she is not really a she since she is inanimate), but this car has gotten me through some pretty tough times and we have only been together for 11 months. The beautiful leather seats comforted me as I sobbed hysterically. The speakers pumped music so loud, it made it impossible to think. The engine purred, letting me know that we could go fast if we needed to get away. The car is like the one thing that has been constant this entire time. Sure, I left my cat, my husband, and my apartment. But I had Pearl II. And sometimes knowing that I got to drive her was what got me through the day.

I keep telling myself that it could be worse. Last year (December 19th) it was worse. Last year, Pearl I (my beautiful Honda Accord, that, although it did not go as fast as my current car, did not have a car payment) was killed in an accident on the I-5. That sucked too. That sucked way more than this.

I guess, really, the only thing there's left to say is that I won't be driving next December. I'll go out of town, out of the country, whatever. But I won't be driving, because rest assured someone will hit my car.

Closing Time

I went to Oregon to visit my family this past week. It was the first time since August 2010 that all 7 of us (mom, dad, and siblings) have been in the same state. It was strange. I thought I would spend the whole time in tears, just basking in the comfort of being surrounded by my family. Bask I did, but cry? Not so much. I mean, I cried a few times here and there, but mostly I felt happy. I remember walking out to the lobby (is that what you call the place where people wait for you in an airport? Does that have a name?), seeing my father, and feeling relief and happiness. Then I got to the house and saw my mom and sister. My heart felt so whole that crying was the last thing on my mind. I couldn't even cry out of happiness, that's how complete I felt. I have not felt that in so long.

I was able to spend time with each member of my family, and I really hope that when I left they were less worried about me. I hope my mom listened when I told her that she should not be worried, but instead proud that she raised a daughter capable of handling anything thrown at her. I hope my little brothers know that they made me laugh and feel happier than I have in weeks. I hope my sister saw that when I cried at the airport when she said goodbye, that I was crying because I knew I could count on her to be there if I need her, and that is a wonderful feeling. I hope my older brother knows that just being in his presence made me feel more calm than I have in months. And I hope my father realized that the first hug he gave me when he picked me up at the airport was so full of love, I'm still feeling the effects of it right now.

Then I came home. I'm not sure I belong in San Diego anymore. I'm not going to run to Oregon right now, because I need to know that I can survive on my own for a little bit. And who knows? Maybe I'll actually love being on my own so much that I'll never move up there. But realistically, I'm guessing I'm up there within a year. I love my friends and I love my family down here, but there was something about knowing that my brothers and sisters were within arms reach of me that made my whole being feel at ease. I love my job and I love the people I work with, but there is no room to grow. I can go to school in Oregon, just like I'm going to school in San Diego.

[Side note: Being the girly girl I am, and being a lifelong fan of romantic comedies, sometimes I hope that Prince Charming will stop me right before I drive off into the sunset and say that I do have something to stay for. I have him. Seriously, this is an actual fantasy I have had in my mind several times over the past week. I'm pretty sure I could do an entire post consisting of scenes I see in movies that I hope happen to me, so stay tuned for that.]

I know I need to give my body and mind time to calm down before I reach a decision, but until then I will hold on to that feeling of love that I felt for the three days I was in Portland.

A New Day

Today we filed for divorce. Today we filed for divorce. We filed for divorce today. Divorce papers were filed for the dissolution of our marriage today. Somehow I can't get that through my head. I was there so I know it happened. Peeking out of my purse is a receipt for $400 and a packet of paperwork, so it definitely happened.

When I was little I would sing along to every song on the radio (okay I still do that - I also sing along to whatever is in my head, and I make up songs to sing). I remember singing along to love songs hoping that one day I would feel that way. I'm sure every girl does this, just as every girl in some capacity imagines what her Prince Charming will look like and what dress she'll wear to her wedding. And then you fall in love and every single love song makes sense. You get it! Finally, you understand why people sing these words. Faith Hill, I get you. Celine Dion, you are singing the words of my heart.

Then I started to really hear the songs about sadness and heartache and drinking the pain away. I never felt that. I hoped I never would. But, around 9am on December 7, 2011, I felt it. I felt all of it. The world stopped. In that moment, just in that single, tiny moment, I knew I couldn't love. I couldn't care about anyone anymore. I couldn't even believe that love was real and that other people were in love. Of course that moment passed, and my hope and fervor for life came back. But that moment was so beautiful in it's rawness. There was only one emotion in me, and it was hopelessness. I felt naked to the world. There I was, standing on the sidewalk, looking at the parking meter with an hour and 42 minutes left on it, thinking "this is what it feels like to hurt to your very core." And then I celebrated that I was a human and could feel that. It hurt, but it made me thankful for every moment that I don't feel that way.

I know this isn't the end of me hurting about this decision. I know that when I move, I'll feel it again. I saw my wedding ring today and sobbed. I heard a song on a tv show that I never heard before and it reminded me of happier days in our relationship - and then I cried. I looked at the cat and I teared up. I'm sure so many more moments will be like these moments, and that's okay. I know that one day I'll wake up and I'll be happy the entire day. I know I can do it because I've done it before. I know that I can still love, that I can still be happy, and that I will be okay. The best feeling I felt today was right after my moment of hopelessness, when hope ran through my veins and chased the bad feelings away.

Time Stand Still

What a whirlwind the past few weeks have been. I have had multiple days where I cry until I can barely breathe, but also days where I feel like all I want to do is keep moving and keep on pushing for something better and happier. I have reached the terribly hard decision to divorce my husband. I'm sure many people who have ended relationships can relate to how much time and thinking I have put into this decision. Long days of dropping everything I'm doing just so I can be alone with my thoughs. Even longer nights where I don't sleep at all, hoping that an epiphany will come to me at 5 in the morning. Talking this over with everyone in my life. Thinking about what will happen, where will I go, who can I still turn to when this is over?

And then, all of a sudden, the epiphany comes. Time stops, just for a very brief moment. I realize that I will be okay, he will be okay, and everyone in our lives will be okay. Everything will be okay. Or at least that's what I'm telling myself.

But really, I feel like I'm doing alright. Thanksgiving was the first holiday I spent without him since 2004. I mean I've been with the guy for over a third of my life (am I doing my math right? 7.5 years, and I am 25. Sure, that sounds right). That was a fun day, let me tell you. First, I sat on the couch and cried. Then I went to my grandma's where I sat in a chair trying not to cry. Then I went to Claire's house where I almost cried because everyone was so nice. Finally I went to work where things finally felt normal. And then I woke up the next morning, ready to roll. I thought, okay, it was really hard to get through a holiday. But after the holiday is over my life felt normal again.

Time is really messing with me right now. Some days go by way too fast and some days will drag on forever. Sometimes I think I have a lot of time when really I have no time. Mostly, though, I never know what day it is or how many days away a certain day may be. For example, about a month ago I was given an assignment to give a presentation on 12/3. I finished that presentation at 11:30 on 12/2. I started it 24 hours before that. Also, my goal was to have all the divorce paperwork filed and me out of the apartment that I share with my husband by December. Well, it's December 3rd as of right now and I have yet to pack a single thing or fill out any paperwork. I may also be missing a few days in my memory.

Anyway, I guess what I found this past month is that I really am stronger than I think I am. Everyone in your life (well, at least the people who like you) will tell you that you are strong and that you can put up with more than you think you can. But you never really agree with them, right? Maybe you do. If so, kudos to you. I never agree. I thought I knew exactly what I could handle. Turns out I was right - I could handle everything I thought I could. However, I could also handle much more than I thought I could. The world stopped for a moment, and my life did not end. Happiness and hope still exist inside of me, and I can feel that they won't leave me stranded. I know people are still worried about me, but if they could feel the hope that I feel inside of me, they probably would be less worried.

I Am an Expert Avoider

The title of this post says it all: I can avoid. I can avoid homework, regular work, chores, anyone in my life, and the realization that the Chargers will probably lose the game I am watching. Sure, my therapist says I shouldn't avoid things, but when you're this good at something, how can you not avoid things? If I stopped avoiding things then what would I be good at?

So this is where the story begins. I'm a full-time student, a full-time movie theater manager, and a full-time over-analyzer. Is that a thing? If it is, I am it. I'm currently working my way through mayber divorcing my husband of three years, trying to get into nursing school, and not falling apart every other minute. I have an astounding support group of friends (you know who you are - and if you're not sure...here's a list: Claire, Kalie, Mel, Brit, Rachel) that has thus far managed to make the most overwhelming moments not so horrible. I also have a wonderful family, an awesome therapist, a great crew at my work (yes, you can love the people you work with), and numerous people in my classes that will listen to me go on and on about my issues. They may not be listening. That's okay since I don't really listen to myself. Seriously. Sometimes whoever I am talking to asks what I just said and I can't remember because I wasn't listening to what I was saying.

What's so bad about my life? Well, I recently learned that my life is actually pretty awesome, as can be seen in the above paragraph. Awesome friends? Check. Tolerable work? Check. Family? Check. An odd love for school? Check. It's really just the one aspect of my life (my relationship) that sometimes gets me down. And I can solve that issue. The problem is my over-analyzing and projecting my emotions onto other people. I constantly think everyone is going to hate me because I decided to divorce my husband. Chances are no one will hate me. I think people are going to be sad, disappointed, perhaps angry...but I might be happy, so what of it? Wow that sounds selfish. I really do care about other people, which is the main reason why I held my emotions in for so long. If I were to actually say what I'm feeling, people might get hurt. So instead of many people getting hurt, the only person getting hurt was me. Healthy, right? Let me just say right now that going into therapy was probably the best decision I have made in the past six years. Three sessions in, and already this is the best I have felt in years. Then I start thinking, if this is the best I have felt in years...how bad was I feeling? Anyway, back to me avoiding things.

I am currently avoiding two things: my parents and the decision about my marriage. I am completely terrified to tell my parents that their little girl is having issues. I know, you're probably thinking that my childhood was fraught with my parents being angry every time one of us kids did something wrong. My parents probably are also very unsupportive and generally distant people. Ha. Joke's on you! My childhood was AMAZING. Sometimes when I do things that remind me of my childhood - like go to the zoo, watch Congo, or listen to The Eagles - I'll cry because I miss my childhood so much. That's how great  it was! I would gladly live ages 3-18 over again (I don't remember anything before 3, so I'm willing to skip those years). My parents are two of the most supportive people I have ever met. They have five kids and never once have they turned their backs on us. And trust me, with five kids, something disappointing is bound to happen. But I truly believe in my heart that my parents love me and will always love me. I just need to get past my head telling me differently.

The second thing I am avoiding is the decision of my marriage. We'll see how long I can continue to avoid this one (spoiler alert: probably not very long).