Time Stand Still

What a whirlwind the past few weeks have been. I have had multiple days where I cry until I can barely breathe, but also days where I feel like all I want to do is keep moving and keep on pushing for something better and happier. I have reached the terribly hard decision to divorce my husband. I'm sure many people who have ended relationships can relate to how much time and thinking I have put into this decision. Long days of dropping everything I'm doing just so I can be alone with my thoughs. Even longer nights where I don't sleep at all, hoping that an epiphany will come to me at 5 in the morning. Talking this over with everyone in my life. Thinking about what will happen, where will I go, who can I still turn to when this is over?

And then, all of a sudden, the epiphany comes. Time stops, just for a very brief moment. I realize that I will be okay, he will be okay, and everyone in our lives will be okay. Everything will be okay. Or at least that's what I'm telling myself.

But really, I feel like I'm doing alright. Thanksgiving was the first holiday I spent without him since 2004. I mean I've been with the guy for over a third of my life (am I doing my math right? 7.5 years, and I am 25. Sure, that sounds right). That was a fun day, let me tell you. First, I sat on the couch and cried. Then I went to my grandma's where I sat in a chair trying not to cry. Then I went to Claire's house where I almost cried because everyone was so nice. Finally I went to work where things finally felt normal. And then I woke up the next morning, ready to roll. I thought, okay, it was really hard to get through a holiday. But after the holiday is over my life felt normal again.

Time is really messing with me right now. Some days go by way too fast and some days will drag on forever. Sometimes I think I have a lot of time when really I have no time. Mostly, though, I never know what day it is or how many days away a certain day may be. For example, about a month ago I was given an assignment to give a presentation on 12/3. I finished that presentation at 11:30 on 12/2. I started it 24 hours before that. Also, my goal was to have all the divorce paperwork filed and me out of the apartment that I share with my husband by December. Well, it's December 3rd as of right now and I have yet to pack a single thing or fill out any paperwork. I may also be missing a few days in my memory.

Anyway, I guess what I found this past month is that I really am stronger than I think I am. Everyone in your life (well, at least the people who like you) will tell you that you are strong and that you can put up with more than you think you can. But you never really agree with them, right? Maybe you do. If so, kudos to you. I never agree. I thought I knew exactly what I could handle. Turns out I was right - I could handle everything I thought I could. However, I could also handle much more than I thought I could. The world stopped for a moment, and my life did not end. Happiness and hope still exist inside of me, and I can feel that they won't leave me stranded. I know people are still worried about me, but if they could feel the hope that I feel inside of me, they probably would be less worried.