Closing Time

I went to Oregon to visit my family this past week. It was the first time since August 2010 that all 7 of us (mom, dad, and siblings) have been in the same state. It was strange. I thought I would spend the whole time in tears, just basking in the comfort of being surrounded by my family. Bask I did, but cry? Not so much. I mean, I cried a few times here and there, but mostly I felt happy. I remember walking out to the lobby (is that what you call the place where people wait for you in an airport? Does that have a name?), seeing my father, and feeling relief and happiness. Then I got to the house and saw my mom and sister. My heart felt so whole that crying was the last thing on my mind. I couldn't even cry out of happiness, that's how complete I felt. I have not felt that in so long.

I was able to spend time with each member of my family, and I really hope that when I left they were less worried about me. I hope my mom listened when I told her that she should not be worried, but instead proud that she raised a daughter capable of handling anything thrown at her. I hope my little brothers know that they made me laugh and feel happier than I have in weeks. I hope my sister saw that when I cried at the airport when she said goodbye, that I was crying because I knew I could count on her to be there if I need her, and that is a wonderful feeling. I hope my older brother knows that just being in his presence made me feel more calm than I have in months. And I hope my father realized that the first hug he gave me when he picked me up at the airport was so full of love, I'm still feeling the effects of it right now.

Then I came home. I'm not sure I belong in San Diego anymore. I'm not going to run to Oregon right now, because I need to know that I can survive on my own for a little bit. And who knows? Maybe I'll actually love being on my own so much that I'll never move up there. But realistically, I'm guessing I'm up there within a year. I love my friends and I love my family down here, but there was something about knowing that my brothers and sisters were within arms reach of me that made my whole being feel at ease. I love my job and I love the people I work with, but there is no room to grow. I can go to school in Oregon, just like I'm going to school in San Diego.

[Side note: Being the girly girl I am, and being a lifelong fan of romantic comedies, sometimes I hope that Prince Charming will stop me right before I drive off into the sunset and say that I do have something to stay for. I have him. Seriously, this is an actual fantasy I have had in my mind several times over the past week. I'm pretty sure I could do an entire post consisting of scenes I see in movies that I hope happen to me, so stay tuned for that.]

I know I need to give my body and mind time to calm down before I reach a decision, but until then I will hold on to that feeling of love that I felt for the three days I was in Portland.