Today we filed for divorce. Today we filed for divorce. We filed for divorce today. Divorce papers were filed for the dissolution of our marriage today. Somehow I can't get that through my head. I was there so I know it happened. Peeking out of my purse is a receipt for $400 and a packet of paperwork, so it definitely happened.
When I was little I would sing along to every song on the radio (okay I still do that - I also sing along to whatever is in my head, and I make up songs to sing). I remember singing along to love songs hoping that one day I would feel that way. I'm sure every girl does this, just as every girl in some capacity imagines what her Prince Charming will look like and what dress she'll wear to her wedding. And then you fall in love and every single love song makes sense. You get it! Finally, you understand why people sing these words. Faith Hill, I get you. Celine Dion, you are singing the words of my heart.
Then I started to really hear the songs about sadness and heartache and drinking the pain away. I never felt that. I hoped I never would. But, around 9am on December 7, 2011, I felt it. I felt all of it. The world stopped. In that moment, just in that single, tiny moment, I knew I couldn't love. I couldn't care about anyone anymore. I couldn't even believe that love was real and that other people were in love. Of course that moment passed, and my hope and fervor for life came back. But that moment was so beautiful in it's rawness. There was only one emotion in me, and it was hopelessness. I felt naked to the world. There I was, standing on the sidewalk, looking at the parking meter with an hour and 42 minutes left on it, thinking "this is what it feels like to hurt to your very core." And then I celebrated that I was a human and could feel that. It hurt, but it made me thankful for every moment that I don't feel that way.
I know this isn't the end of me hurting about this decision. I know that when I move, I'll feel it again. I saw my wedding ring today and sobbed. I heard a song on a tv show that I never heard before and it reminded me of happier days in our relationship - and then I cried. I looked at the cat and I teared up. I'm sure so many more moments will be like these moments, and that's okay. I know that one day I'll wake up and I'll be happy the entire day. I know I can do it because I've done it before. I know that I can still love, that I can still be happy, and that I will be okay. The best feeling I felt today was right after my moment of hopelessness, when hope ran through my veins and chased the bad feelings away.
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